Am I changing as a person? will it hurt? will it last?

Yesterday I was in a pretty depressed mood. I couldn't figure out how to get out of my funk. I decided to step away from my desk and take a little walk. I was in Boston for the day, so outside my door there were stores and eateries galore. I'd go for a walk and see what tempted me.

Typically, when feeling down, I would turn to shopping or food. I've been so good lately, a little shopping trip couldn't hurt, right? So into TJMaxx I rolled. I browsed shoes, accessories, pants, books and seasonal items. I saw a few things that I liked, I just couldn't pull the trigger. I stood there staring at the pair of shoes in my hand and just knew that purchasing those shoes wasn't going to leave me feeling any better. HOW COULD THIS BE???? Am I no longer a living, breathing female human being??? My inner dialogue went something like this...

I’m feeling depressed today because I’m really overtired. I don’t really want to be in Boston because the effort that takes made me more tired. The thought of carrying these shoes home makes me more tired. Ok, I really mustn’t want these shoes if prospect of owning them makes me tired. Walk out of TJMaxx. You don’t really want to buy anything.

What do I want right now? I want to be home. The comfort of my bed sounds good. A hug from one of the boys would be good. Reading my book would be nice. Wow, all things I don’t have to buy. But wait, there must be something. I must be able to purchase SOMETHING that will improve my mood. Maybe a cookie? Cookies usually make me happy. (Not as happy as a cupcake, but cupcakes are hard to find.) I’m passing places to buy cookies. Ok, I’ll stop into Starbucks. The cookies look nice. Actually the donuts look really nice. But I’m actually not hungry. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???

Ok, one last chance, the final test…If I could buy anything in the world right now to make myself feel better, what would it be?
Think Jen.
Think hard.
Damnit.
I actually can’t think of anything.

I don't quite understand what happened yesterday. I don't know if it'll happen again, but I experienced a deep awareness that spending money (and eating a cookie) doesn't necessarily make me happy. Don't get me wrong, sometimes it does, but in this instance, I was clearly able to identify that spending money wasn't going to do it for me and stop the process before it happened. I feel pretty happy about that, as does our bank account.

Trying to remedy that bad mood would have typically cost between $40-$100 in retail therapy.

Riding out the mood, getting hugs at home from the most important people in my life, and curling up in my bed for a good night's sleep = FREE.